


Hate Me

by veikos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sirius Black Has PTSD, Sirius Black is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:02:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29731533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veikos/pseuds/veikos
Summary: Sirius Black had escaped Askaban 12 years after that Halloween in 1981. What he did not expect was to figure out that Remus Lupin was not happy to find him at his doorstep begging for help.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 13





	Hate Me

**Author's Note:**

> CW // strong angst, if you dislike that please don’t read, I don’t want you getting upset!! /gen 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, I actually may write more of this!! 
> 
> Enjoy 
> 
> Also the song in the beginning is “Hate Me”- Blue October

“There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain 

An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? 

And will you never say that you loved me, just to put it in my face? 

And will you never try to reach me? 

It is I that wanted space 

Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you” 

Sirius Black, a rugged looking prisoner, stood next to Remus Lupin, a tall heavily scarred man who used to be his lover. Sirius looked to the eyes he used to know, trying to find any last hope that they would be okay again. Remus finally spoke, “Sirius. How did you escape” he said weakly, standing very still. Sirius bit his lip, his mind was racing, heart was pounding. He did not want to think about Azkaban, or about anything really. He did not like the way Remus was standing, he towered over him like he always had but it was just too much at this moment. Sirius started to cry, he could feel the tears burning like acid on his dirt cakes face. “P.. I.. the dementors they—“ he said choking on his tears. Sirius could tell Remus was uncomfortable. He always had been when somebody was upset, Sirius wished Remus would just turn him in or something then to just stand there.

Remus sighed heavily, stepping back to sit on a chair he had already pulled out. It had been a full moon recently. Sirius was shaking, trying to get his body together to continue their conversation, even though it didn’t seem like it was going to get any better. “Sirius I don’t have time for this.” Remus said suddenly. “I know— I - I just don’t know what to do—“ Sirius started but was interrupted, “You can't stay here” Remus said angrily, his tone of voice had changed, he was getting angry. “I wasn't planning on staying here—“ Sirius said, wiping his eyes which didn’t help the sting, his hands were extremely dirty. “Then why the fuck did you come to my home? I can’t believe you Sirius Orion Black. You are a traitor? YOU GOT EVERYBODY KILLED!” Remus yelled as he stood up, his hip popped causing him to fall back into the old chair. Sirius stood back and covered his ears, he looked at the broken man infront of him. He didn’t know the truth, I have to tell him— I can’t get it out WHY THE FUCK CANT I GET IT OUT. Sirius though, his breathing became extremely heavy to the point of hyperventilating, he felt like he was dying. Sirius wobbled as he was getting dizzy. He felt everything was breaking apart again. Sirius finally managed to speak, “I wasn’t- the secret keeper Remus- it…” he stopped as he put his hand to his matted hair “it was Peter.” He said and choked again. Remus’s eyes didn’t look away from Sirius. No matter how much Sirius wanted them to, his expression didn’t change, he knew that even though Sirius had just told him the truth, he wouldn’t believe it until there was hard proof.  
After this, they didn’t speak for a while. Sirius had resorted to turning into Padfoot and going outside, trying to let the other man work on his paperwork for his upcoming year at Hogwarts as the Defence against the dark arts professor. 

After what it seemed like forever, Sirius has finally calmed down enough to come back in. Remus had finished most of his work and looked extremely exhausted. Sirius almost didn’t want to ask but he decided it was the only thing he really could do “Remus I can’t go anywhere, can I Atleast take a shower— or a change of clothes??” Sirius said trying to make eye contact but failing miserably, Remus’s rich brown eyes pierced his heart. “Fine. Please do not touch anything you shouldn’t , I will give you something to wear.” Remus was obviously still angry. He knew Sirius was telling the truth about the betrayal on Halloween 1981, but he just couldn’t accept it. 

Sirius went to the shower, getting undressed. He looked into the mirror and he saw a mess of dark hair and pain looking back at him. He wished he could shave but he didn’t dare to use Remus’s razor. Sirius turned on the water and stepped in, the water immediately turned dark as the twelve years of betrayal and grief washed away. He washed his body and hair, trying to comb through the matted nest that was on his head with his fingers. He cried out in pain as his hands pulled at the knots, he knew this wasn’t helping but he had to try, he loved his hair, he always had, At Least it was distracting him from thinking about Remus. Eventually his shower was over, he turned the water off, stepping out and wrapping himself in the towel. He stood in the bathroom drying himself off for a while. He hadn’t noticed the folded clothes that were on the counter until he got finished drying off. He got dress and started to tear up again. He didn’t want to go out of Remus’s bathroom. He had nothing to give to Remus besides his tears and broken sentences. He took a deep breath and opened the door, walking out, preparing for the worst.


End file.
